Finding Balance

Tomorrow my time at home with my little Fletcher will end as I return to my career.  There are so many emotions running through me right now.  Anxiety about finding a new sort of balance with an additional child.  Excitement about seeing coworkers I haven't seen for some time.  Sadness that my little baby will be spending his days with someone other than me.  Fear that I won't be able to keep up and will fall short either at home or at work. 

To help prevent myself from getting overwhelmed, I just keep reminding myself that I am not in this alone.  When I was pregnant with Fletcher, a friend asked me how I am able to "do it all."  While I have to admit that there is a lot I don't do (like don't ask me what the best TV shows or movies are to watch), her question got me thinking about how it is that I make it through even the hardest days without losing my sanity.   As the end of my maternity leave draws closer, I have really been reflecting on that question lately. Now, on the eve of my return to the daily grind at my job, I want to share the result of my pondering: three things to which I attribute my ability to stay sane while working full time, caring for 2 children (since I can't say I've worked with 3 yet :), and keeping my marriage strong.

1.  Faith: First and foremost, I couldn't do anything if it wasn't for our Heavenly Father.  There are so many times when I find myself nearly crippled by anxiety or so angry with myself about a mistake I made that I don't know how I can move on.  But, it is in those moments that I know my prayers of desperation will be heard and answered.  And because I know that God is with me, I am able to let go of the anxiety, the guilt, the fear, and the self-loathing.  I can hand all of those things over to God so they don't drag me down.  And that allows me to keep moving forward. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  ~James 1:  2-6

2.  Grace:  Having children has taught me more about God's grace than any other experience I've had.  I've always been a perfectionist.  I get mad at myself when I don't do my best and have a hard time letting go of the goals I don't achieve.  When it comes to my children, it seems only natural that I would want to be my best self for them.  My inability to be the perfect mom, however, has forced me to look outside of myself for the answers about how to raise my children well.  And in searching for those answers, I found God's grace.  Through his grace he allows me to stop punishing myself for the mistakes I make as a result of my sinful human nature and start enjoying the children that he has entrusted to my care.  This doesn't mean I will stop trying to be the best parent I can; it just means that when I fall short of my own expectations, I accept God's grace with open arms and just keep going.  The same applies at work, in my marriage, and in all other aspects of my life.  I do the best I can, and when I mess up (which happens more often than I care to admit), I seek God's forgiveness and accept his grace in return.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. ~Ephesians 2:4-8

 3.  Love:  Each day, we all make a choice.  We choose whom we will love. Some people choose to love only themselves and put that self-love above all else.  Some choose to hate instead of love.  And some people choose to love those around us the way that Christ first loved us.  While I know I don't do it perfectly, that is how I try to live each day.  Even when people hurt me and show me hatred, I try to look at those people through God's eyes so that I can see the good he sees in them and love them the way he loves them.  I often fail to love others well, which is where the grace comes back into play.  And, by choosing to love others well, this often means I don't do what is easiest for me, what might put me in the best light, or what I would prefer to do.  But, that is what loving like Jesus is all about.  He loved others by putting their needs first and showing them kindness no matter who they were or what they had done.  The most amazing thing is that by trying to do the same, even if I frequently fail, I find that I am much happier and more satisfied with my own life. 

We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.   ~1 John 4:19-21