We live in a great community with a wonderful school district. The children that my children go to school with have parents who are very engaged in their lives. That means there are great PTO organizations, tons of parents that volunteer in the classrooms, and people to help out at field day and other special events. I appreciate everything those people do, because I am often not available to help.
I do my best to provide support, and my husband steps in to help even more than I do. So, I figure that between us, we've got it covered. I say that primarily to reassure myself, because I have struggled a lot with that throughout this past school year. I am jealous of those other parents that are able to be more present at school. I realize that most of them have made sacrifices in order for that to be the case, and I am sure there are days where they envy me in some way. But, I am human, so the mommy guilt creeps in, and I begin to envy the time they spend participating in those activities at our children's school.
As we neared summer break (really it was still winter and there was snow on the ground), I started to worry about what Audrey would do during the summer, because this was the first summer she isn't in daycare. I kept pushing the envy out of my mind and tried not to think about the fact that my friends who are teachers or stayed home with their children did not have to worry about this task. Naturally, I created a spreadsheet (color coded, of course), vetted the options, aligned schedules, and created a plan so that Audrey would be cared for each day from when school let out for the summer until it resumed in the fall. As we neared the end of the school year, I started to get nervous for her. She had such a rough time with the transition to kindergarten; I had no idea how the summer would go.
When the day came for her to start her first day at summer camp, I was incredibly nervous. I didn't want her to notice, so I played it off. I talked about all of the cool things she would do and all of the friends she would make. Secretly, I was praying that she would know some of the other kids and that she would think the activities were cool and not lame. When I dropped her off that first day, she admitted she was nervous, and clung to me for a few minutes. However, we found another boy she knew from school, and she soon forgot I was still there. When I picked her up that day, she was so excited. I couldn't get her to stop talking about how much fun she'd had. My worries had been put to rest...so why didn't I feel better?
Audrey has continued to do well at camp and seems to be enjoying it immensely. But every time I get a message from another parent wanting to set up a mid-day play date or to take Audrey to the pool, my heart sinks. I am so grateful that they are reaching out and trying to include her. However, I feel like the biggest heel because she is at camp, I am at work, and she cannot play with her friends because I can't leave work to take her. The jealousy starts tugging at my heart again. I remind myself of the many fun things we do as a family during the summer on the weekends. It is not that my children are deprived of those typical summer activities. In fact, they probably get to see more of their friends during the summer than the children whose parents are at home with them. But, it still bothers me that I am absent from all of those memories they're making.
This post is getting long, and I realize that I need to close it out. I like to try to end on a positive note but don't know how, because my heart is still struggling to shut out the envy. So, I will continue to pray that God will use my struggle for his glory. I pray he will give me peace and guide me to his good and perfect will for my life and that of my children.
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