Wrestling with God

I have shared aspects of my struggle to balance my job and my role as a mom with some friends.  I’ve shared more of it with my mom and my husband than with most.  However, I’ve only been completely honest about my struggle with God, until now.  I hold most of it in; I don’t want to wear down my friends and family the way that I am worn down.  So why post it on the web for the world to see?  I guess I figure that no one has to read this blog, so they can stop reading if this is tiring them. 

I just spend a lot of my prayer time wrestling with God about my Mommy Guilt.  My prayers generally look something like this:

Should I keep working?  Am I supposed to bloom where I am planted or find a new pot? I mean, I’ve already missed most of my chance to be home with Audrey since she starts kindergarten in a year.  Is there any point in doing it now?  Should I have started staying home after Audrey was born? Was I not listening to you from the get go, so now we need my income to cover our expenses? Forgive me for pursuing my own interests instead of serving you; help me to get back on track.   

But, if I am going to stay home, it makes sense to do that now, righ? Then I at least get a year at home with Audrey.  So, if I am supposed to stay home, tell me, God.  Make it clear to me; help provide us the financial means to do that.  If I am supposed to work, help me shut out the Mommy Guilt; scare it away. I will do what you want me to; I will follow your path.  Just CLEARLY show me the way to go.    

Ok, God.  I realize I am giving you alternatives, and you don’t always operate with only my options in mind.  Am I supposed to do something different?  Find a different job?  Move back to an individual contributor role?  Work part time?  I am ready for any of it, if that is what you want me to do.  Just tell me.  Since we’re in Missouri, show me. 

I am sure many people could comment on the improper form of my prayer, but prayer doesn’t need to be formal.  It is a conversation with God, and this is how my side of the conversation looks. 

While in the throes of one of these conversations, my mind often wanders to the story of Jacob in Genesis 32.  Jacob wrestled with God face-to-face, and prevailed.  He wouldn’t let go until God blessed him.  He didn’t specify what or how.  He just wanted to be blessed.  Once that was done, Jacob let go.  I have been blessed already, but I continue to wrestle with God.   I guess I shouldn’t forget that Jacob got a broken hip and ended up with a limp after his wrestling match.  God wanted him to have that as a reminder of who is really in charge. 

There is obviously a lesson in that story for me.  Why else would it be so much in my mind? I keep trying to push God to give me an answer…any answer…to my questions.  I need to accept that he doesn’t want to reveal himself to me in response to those questions.  But why?  Clearly, I am seeking him more than normal because I know that I need him to help me get past the Mommy Guilt.  As much as I hate that struggle, it has brought me into God’s presence more regularly.  Maybe that is God’s plan.  He doesn’t want to break my hip and let me go.  He wants to pull me closer.   He wants me stop worrying about where I am planted and start focusing on making sure that I am growing toward him.