Finding Balance

Tomorrow my time at home with my little Fletcher will end as I return to my career.  There are so many emotions running through me right now.  Anxiety about finding a new sort of balance with an additional child.  Excitement about seeing coworkers I haven't seen for some time.  Sadness that my little baby will be spending his days with someone other than me.  Fear that I won't be able to keep up and will fall short either at home or at work. 

To help prevent myself from getting overwhelmed, I just keep reminding myself that I am not in this alone.  When I was pregnant with Fletcher, a friend asked me how I am able to "do it all."  While I have to admit that there is a lot I don't do (like don't ask me what the best TV shows or movies are to watch), her question got me thinking about how it is that I make it through even the hardest days without losing my sanity.   As the end of my maternity leave draws closer, I have really been reflecting on that question lately. Now, on the eve of my return to the daily grind at my job, I want to share the result of my pondering: three things to which I attribute my ability to stay sane while working full time, caring for 2 children (since I can't say I've worked with 3 yet :), and keeping my marriage strong.

1.  Faith: First and foremost, I couldn't do anything if it wasn't for our Heavenly Father.  There are so many times when I find myself nearly crippled by anxiety or so angry with myself about a mistake I made that I don't know how I can move on.  But, it is in those moments that I know my prayers of desperation will be heard and answered.  And because I know that God is with me, I am able to let go of the anxiety, the guilt, the fear, and the self-loathing.  I can hand all of those things over to God so they don't drag me down.  And that allows me to keep moving forward. 

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind.  ~James 1:  2-6

2.  Grace:  Having children has taught me more about God's grace than any other experience I've had.  I've always been a perfectionist.  I get mad at myself when I don't do my best and have a hard time letting go of the goals I don't achieve.  When it comes to my children, it seems only natural that I would want to be my best self for them.  My inability to be the perfect mom, however, has forced me to look outside of myself for the answers about how to raise my children well.  And in searching for those answers, I found God's grace.  Through his grace he allows me to stop punishing myself for the mistakes I make as a result of my sinful human nature and start enjoying the children that he has entrusted to my care.  This doesn't mean I will stop trying to be the best parent I can; it just means that when I fall short of my own expectations, I accept God's grace with open arms and just keep going.  The same applies at work, in my marriage, and in all other aspects of my life.  I do the best I can, and when I mess up (which happens more often than I care to admit), I seek God's forgiveness and accept his grace in return.

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. ~Ephesians 2:4-8

 3.  Love:  Each day, we all make a choice.  We choose whom we will love. Some people choose to love only themselves and put that self-love above all else.  Some choose to hate instead of love.  And some people choose to love those around us the way that Christ first loved us.  While I know I don't do it perfectly, that is how I try to live each day.  Even when people hurt me and show me hatred, I try to look at those people through God's eyes so that I can see the good he sees in them and love them the way he loves them.  I often fail to love others well, which is where the grace comes back into play.  And, by choosing to love others well, this often means I don't do what is easiest for me, what might put me in the best light, or what I would prefer to do.  But, that is what loving like Jesus is all about.  He loved others by putting their needs first and showing them kindness no matter who they were or what they had done.  The most amazing thing is that by trying to do the same, even if I frequently fail, I find that I am much happier and more satisfied with my own life. 

We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen. And he has given us this command: Anyone who loves God must also love their brother and sister.   ~1 John 4:19-21 

Lazy Summer Days

The past month, I have thoroughly enjoyed being home and spending each day with Audrey since she finished the school-year.  We haven't done a lot, other than running errands and doing chores around the house.  But we have gotten to spend time together just chilling around the house together and being lazy.  This morning, we laid in the floor with Fletcher and tried to get him to roll toward us.  A couple of days ago, we played Spot It.  We haven't done anything major, but it's sometimes those small moments that are the most fun.  Because I have been home and have had time to get chores done around the house during the day, I am less stressed and more relaxed when I am around my kids.  I am able to savor their smiles and gigles.  I am also able to create more of those moments, like when we have visitors during the day when I would normally be at work.  Recently, my grandparents stopped by after my grandma's doctor appointment in Chesterfield.  When I am working, it is really hard to make those things happen.

I still have my moments of frustration, especially when one of the older kids does something they shouldn't and it wakes up Fletcher.  This is usually in the form of Barrett playing with the baby swing while Fletcher is asleep in it, despite the fact that I have told him a hundred times not to touch the swing when Fletcher is sleeping in it. However, it is easier for me to not overreact in those moments.

It also helps that I am able to nap during the day when I don't get a lot of sleep at night.  It is even better that I am usually taking those naps reclined on the couch as Fletcher lays asleep on my chest.  I know that at some point I will miss those snuggles, so I am going to get them while I can. 

In two weeks, I return to work.  I have been reflecting a lot on what that means and what I can do now to try to make it easier on all of us when we go back.  This includes random things like washing every ounce of bedding in this house and blogging a lot :) 

With Audrey, I couldn't wait to get back to work.  After almost 3 months of being home by myself with an infant and having very little other human interaction, I was dying to feel like I was contributing to the greater good again.  With Barrett, I didn't want to go back so badly it hurt.  You can look back at my blog posts from that first year and see how the mommy guilt was eating away at me and adding to the stress that I already had from juggling a job, a newborn and a toddler.  With Fletcher, I am somewhere in between.  I have really enjoyed these past couple of months at home, but I am also looking forward to getting back to my team at work.  I really hope the additional perspective I have now helps me through those stressful moments that I know will come soon enough from trying to balance a full-time job with the rest of my life. 

So, for now, I will enjoy these last couple of weeks of my lazy summer days and pray that my transition back to work will go smoothly for me and the rest of the family. 

2 Months Old

That's right...you are already 2 months old.  You are growing every day, although your weight gain continues to be more gradual than your older siblings.  You are weighing in at just under 11 pounds, but your length continues on pace with your brother and sister.  Each day, you continue to be more and more alert.  You love being sang to and smiled at.  You almost always return a smile with a smile.  As much as I love seeing your smile, I love your pouty face too.  Your features are just so animated that the upside down arch of your lip seems to extend across your entire face. I haven't captured that pout on camera yet, but I assure you, I almost burst into laughter each time I see it because it is just so darn cute!

The feeding challenges we have resolved for the most part, but until you start gaining weight more quickly, I will continue to watch your feedings closely.  When I return to work and am pumping every day, knowing exactly how much milk your getting should help ease my mind at least a little bit.  You are doing ok with taking bottles, although we have to pace your feedings so your reflux doesn't cause you to spit up everything you just ate. 

I can tell you are the third child, because you don't know what to do when you are alone.  You always want to be held or have someone talking to you.  Fortunately, you have two older siblings that just adore you and are happy to help keep you entertained.  When your brother and sister giggle, I can tell that you want to laugh too, but you aren't sure how.  You just smile really big and coo quietly.  I am sure we will hear your laugh very soon though.  As much as you love your siblings, I still think you're definitely momma's boy.  If I walk away and then return, as soon as you hear my voice, your head whips around and you are looking for me.  I am trying to savor each of those moments, because before long, I'll be back and work, and you'll keep getting more and more independent. 

In the past few days, you have really started to try to find your hands.  It is funny to watch, because you often miss your target, which I believe is getting your fingers in your mouth. Your little arms and legs are just moving so much.  I have a feeling you'll be getting into everything in no time!

You are a baby that travels...a lot.  It is predominately local travel...grocery shopping, running your sister to dance or piano, picking up your brother, or running other errands.  You have, however, ventured to the Lake of the Ozarks twice now, to Greenville once, and to Litchfield.  Thankfully, your starting to outgrow that phase where you scream every time we're in the car.  The two weeks where that was a regular occurrence almost made me lose my mind! 

I am so happy that you have joined our family.  Now that you're here, it is hard to imagine life without you.  I have enjoyed the past two months tremendously, and I can't wait for the months and years ahead.  I love you, my baby Fletcher! 

Full

Since Fletcher has arrived, many people have asked what it is like having 3 children. My response to this point has not been very well formed.  I just spout something about Fletcher being on the go more because his older siblings have more going on.  Recently though, I have really been reflecting on that question and looking at how our lives have changed.  So, my response now is that we're definitely busy, but it is manageable.  And, more than anything, being a family of five just feels right for us. 

When you have a child, you come to know a new kind of unconditional love.  It doesn't detract from love that you have for anyone else; it seems like it is just added on top of the other love you have in your life like putting an addition on a house.  Similarly, the more children I've had, the more additions have been added to my heart.  It is hard to believe that you can have so much love in your life, but it is something I wouldn't trade for the world. 

When we were driving home from the lake of the Ozarks a couple of weeks ago, I experienced the fullness that all three of those lovely additions give to my heart.  Audrey and Barrett were both asleep in the back seat.  Barrett was using Jackson as a pillow and Audrey was catching flies.  Fletcher was snuggled up in his car seat snoozing as well.  As I looked at all three of my precious babies sleeping, in that moment I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed by the love they've added to my life.  I am so blessed to have three wonderful, amazing human beings that God has charged to my care.

Living on Lake Time

Audrey asked me this morning what day it was, and after almost a week at the lake, I had to really think about it.  We were fortunate to take an extended holiday weekend at Lake of the Ozarks to kick off the summer.  The water was cold, but that didn't stop the kids from swimming and playing in the water with their friends.

 

 

Lana also got the kids a new swing that hangs from a tree limb in the yard.  The kids couldn't get enough of it, and it was great when we wanted to get them out of the water and dried off.

 

This trip to the lake also marked a major milestone for Fletcher.  It was his first trip to the lake.  Prior to the trip, I was extremely nervous about the drive.  The past couple of weeks, he has not tolerated being in the car very well.  I have made a lot of trips to drop off or pick up the older kids while Fletcher was screaming in the back seat.  Fortunately, he slept the entire drive down to the lake.  That made for a pretty sleepless night, but after that, he slept well for the rest of the weekend.  I think the fresh air really wore him out.

Fletcher also took his first voyage on a boat at the Lake of the Ozarks, which also meant his first time in a life jacket.  At first, he didn't seem to like it, but after a bit, he fell asleep and didn't wake up until we got home.  By the end of the weekend, I think he'd gotten pretty used to the life jacket and even went on a kayak ride with his daddy.

Fletcher also got spoiled with a lot of attention from his family.  He loves being held, and it was a huge relief for me to have some extra hands to help hold him over the weekend.

 

 

Another tradition that we have is to "baptize" each of our children in the Lake.  The water was really cold, so Fletcher didn't really like it when his foot was dipped into the water.  He recovered quickly though.  At just 6.5 weeks old, Fletcher was very young at the time of this event, but he wasn't the youngest. 

Barrett was one day shy of 3 weeks old when he first felt the Lake Ozark water on his skin.  I still can't believe Billy talked me into going to the lake that soon after his birth. 

 

Audrey was the oldest when she had her "baptism."  She was exactly 7 weeks old when her foot first touched the Lake Ozark water. 

 



It is so exciting to share the lake with our children, and I am glad that we got to welcome Fletcher to that tradition.  Here's to many more fun lake weekends this summer and for years to come.