There has been so much going on these past few weeks. There have been several moments when I just didn't know how I was going to make it through. I have been broken, tired, and lost. Each time, I would turn the only place I new, God. I would pray; I prayed for what I could only describe as miracles in those moments. In all of those moments, I had faith that God could do what I was asking. I never doubted his ability for a moment. But if I am honest, I did doubt his will. Why? Because I knew he knows my heart. And while I was asking him, I was still asking for me. I didn't want to struggle anymore. I was turning to God because I was worn out.
I teach Sunday school every other week to a group of rambunctious 2nd graders. I have 2 co-teachers, but I still leave church on those Sundays exhausted after wrangling 20 kids for 1.5 hours. Today, however, I also left completely humbled. When we asked for things we wanted to praise God for, one little girl said she wanted to praise God that her little brother was in heaven with Jesus. BAM! That's right...a 7 year old just spoke God's truth in the way only a child can.
Because I am an adult, it didn't hit me right away. I had the initial tinge of pain in my heart for this little girl. But it wasn't until later this morning that I really heard what God was trying to tell me. This little girl was putting God first. She was praising God for the love, hope, and peace he gives us. She wasn't asking him for anything. She wasn't thinking of how she felt or what it meant for her. She was only thinking about how awesome it is that God cares enough about her brother to let him sit by his side for all eternity. BAM! Moreover, she wasn't trying to be God's voice to me in that moment. She was just doing what God was calling her to do.
So, as I enter this week, my goal is to stop asking and stop trying to control. I aim to focus on God his glory, and his will. My struggles are temporary, but he is eternal. No matter what or how much I do, God is God. I am not. When I turn to him out of a lack of options, that isn't true faith. I desire to have true faith...faith like a child.
"And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven." ~ Matthew 18:3
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Monday, September 18, 2017
Missing Jackson Lee
On July 7, 2004, Billy and I drove from Columbia toward St. Louis. We were meeting my mom and brother at Mid-Rivers mall so we could pick up a dress I needed for the sorority convention I was going to that next week. We were also going to do some shopping, because I worked at Dillard's and my mom wanted to take advantage of my discount. We were walking around the mall when we saw a bunch of puppies in the front window of the pet store. All of them but one were some sort of terriers. The last one was a little black cocker spaniel.
Now, I know that is the worst place to buy a pet, but I also know that God put that little puppy in our path. So, about an hour later, we walked out to our car with that little puppy trotting along on a leash like he'd known us his whole life. Looking back, those 10 weeks he spent without us were nothing compared to the 13 years he spent with us. He was the best natured dog I've ever met. He loved people, got along well with other dogs, didn't bark really at all, and was loyal to the end.
Jackson Lee was a full-blooded English Cocker Spaniel with AKC papers and everything. His coat was considered blue, although when his hair got long it just looked black with some gray spots. His hair got long a lot in those early years too because we were moving around a lot. When we got him, we were both in college. He lived with Billy at the KA house in Rolla for a semester, and then moved to Columbia with me for the spring semester while I went to grad school.
After that, he spent 9 months in Peoria with Billy (coming to Columbia twice a month in between) before we made it to St. Louis. First we were in an apartment, and then the Marquette condo. At the Marquette, Jack had to learn to do his business on Astroturf. Then we were in a duplex for about 9 months before settling in our current house almost 5 years ago. If you do the math, that means Jack was 8 before he had a yard with a fence. I think that was made up for by all of the time Jack got to spend at the lakes.
Jack loved being on the water. He loved riding on the boat, especially when he could get up front and let the wind blow back his ears. He also loved swimming, at least until he got older. The part I think he liked most about visiting both Lake O and Greenville was the wide open yards where he could just run. He loved to run back and forth across the yards as fast as he could. He especially loved it when we would throw a ball as far as we could so he could retrieve it and bring it back. That dog would never stop playing fetch. We'd have to hide the ball because our arms were tired before he would quit. After we got Stella, the two of them would go charging around the yards; you couldn't really call it a race though once Stella was full grown, because she was always faster.
While playing fetch was Jack's favorite activity, he also liked catching balls we threw up in the air. I taught him how to do that when he lived with me in Columbia by throwing him popcorn. I'd sit on the couch eating popcorn and watching a movie, and he's sit in the floor waiting for me to toss him pieces of popcorn. Over time, he got better and better until he almost never missed.
Even though Jack was a dog, it was so clear just how much he loved us. He knew I was pregnant before I did every time. He would follow me around and wouldn't let me out of his sight. Any time I was sick or not feeling well, he was always snuggling up with me on the couch. He was my protector, and when the children came, he was theirs too. With Audrey especially, he wouldn't let her out of his sight. He'd sit on the end of our bed and watch her sleep in her pack'n'play. He would whine when she cried to let us know we needed to hurry up and help her. Once, my mom took her car seat and went to put it in the car, and Jack was determined to go too. We had to carry him back into the house because he wasn't about to let that baby out of his sight.
With Barrett and Fletcher, Jack was more used to the routine, but just as protective. He never snapped at any of them, even when they were mean to him; he lived to keep them safe. He loved them dearly. He loved them so much that he didn't even care that he got considerably less attention than he did before they were born. He just enjoyed the much slower version of fetch that comes along with toddlers throwing the ball instead of an adult.
Jack really slowed down this past year, but he was so good natured, he never made a bit deal about it. He had a servant spirit and served up to the end. Sunday night, he laid with us in bed. We cuddled him and petted him, not knowing that would be the last evening we'd spend with him. I am so thankful for those moments. We knew he didn't have long left, but we weren't expecting him to go as quickly as he did. Within a few hours, he was at peace.
Jackson...Jack...Jack Jack, we miss you so much. You were our first baby, my Sunday afternoon snuggle buddy, our nighttime foot warmer, our prancing puppy, our protector and loyal friend. I am so grateful that you chose us to be your family and gave us so many wonderful years. I know we'll never have another dog as wonderful as you.
Now, I know that is the worst place to buy a pet, but I also know that God put that little puppy in our path. So, about an hour later, we walked out to our car with that little puppy trotting along on a leash like he'd known us his whole life. Looking back, those 10 weeks he spent without us were nothing compared to the 13 years he spent with us. He was the best natured dog I've ever met. He loved people, got along well with other dogs, didn't bark really at all, and was loyal to the end.
After that, he spent 9 months in Peoria with Billy (coming to Columbia twice a month in between) before we made it to St. Louis. First we were in an apartment, and then the Marquette condo. At the Marquette, Jack had to learn to do his business on Astroturf. Then we were in a duplex for about 9 months before settling in our current house almost 5 years ago. If you do the math, that means Jack was 8 before he had a yard with a fence. I think that was made up for by all of the time Jack got to spend at the lakes.
Jack loved being on the water. He loved riding on the boat, especially when he could get up front and let the wind blow back his ears. He also loved swimming, at least until he got older. The part I think he liked most about visiting both Lake O and Greenville was the wide open yards where he could just run. He loved to run back and forth across the yards as fast as he could. He especially loved it when we would throw a ball as far as we could so he could retrieve it and bring it back. That dog would never stop playing fetch. We'd have to hide the ball because our arms were tired before he would quit. After we got Stella, the two of them would go charging around the yards; you couldn't really call it a race though once Stella was full grown, because she was always faster.
While playing fetch was Jack's favorite activity, he also liked catching balls we threw up in the air. I taught him how to do that when he lived with me in Columbia by throwing him popcorn. I'd sit on the couch eating popcorn and watching a movie, and he's sit in the floor waiting for me to toss him pieces of popcorn. Over time, he got better and better until he almost never missed.
Even though Jack was a dog, it was so clear just how much he loved us. He knew I was pregnant before I did every time. He would follow me around and wouldn't let me out of his sight. Any time I was sick or not feeling well, he was always snuggling up with me on the couch. He was my protector, and when the children came, he was theirs too. With Audrey especially, he wouldn't let her out of his sight. He'd sit on the end of our bed and watch her sleep in her pack'n'play. He would whine when she cried to let us know we needed to hurry up and help her. Once, my mom took her car seat and went to put it in the car, and Jack was determined to go too. We had to carry him back into the house because he wasn't about to let that baby out of his sight.
With Barrett and Fletcher, Jack was more used to the routine, but just as protective. He never snapped at any of them, even when they were mean to him; he lived to keep them safe. He loved them dearly. He loved them so much that he didn't even care that he got considerably less attention than he did before they were born. He just enjoyed the much slower version of fetch that comes along with toddlers throwing the ball instead of an adult.
Jack really slowed down this past year, but he was so good natured, he never made a bit deal about it. He had a servant spirit and served up to the end. Sunday night, he laid with us in bed. We cuddled him and petted him, not knowing that would be the last evening we'd spend with him. I am so thankful for those moments. We knew he didn't have long left, but we weren't expecting him to go as quickly as he did. Within a few hours, he was at peace.
Jackson...Jack...Jack Jack, we miss you so much. You were our first baby, my Sunday afternoon snuggle buddy, our nighttime foot warmer, our prancing puppy, our protector and loyal friend. I am so grateful that you chose us to be your family and gave us so many wonderful years. I know we'll never have another dog as wonderful as you.
Jackson Lee Nance
April 26, 2004 - September 10, 2017
Monday, September 4, 2017
Here's to Summer!
Another summer is coming to a close as another fall is beginning. Even though school has already been in session for a couple of weeks, summer doesn't really feel like it's over until Labor Day. As excited as I am about the beautiful fall colors, delicious fall foods, and wearing scarves, I am still sad to see summer go. This one in particular has been filled with a lot of great memories with the kiddos playing on the water. I thoughts I would take a moment to recall just a few of my favorites.
This summer Barrett really started to come out from behind his sister's shadow and show us who he is. Long story short, he idolizes everything about his daddy. He decided he no longer wants to wear his rash-guards (i.e. swim shirts) when he is swimming, because daddy doesn't wear one. He also decided he wanted to ride the standup just like his daddy. This photo is right after he got done riding the standup, and note the lack of shirt under his life jacket.
The paddle boards have been a big hit this summer, and even the kids have gotten into the action. This photo is when our older two and the two neighbor kids decided they all wanted to ride the paddle board together. This picture was taken just seconds before they all ended up in the lake.
This is the first summer that Fletcher has been active and aware of his surroundings. He is particularly aware of his siblings and wants to do anything they are doing. Naturally, they like to play with squirt guns, so he does too...even when they're bigger than him.
Barrett caught his first fish when he was fishing with the neighbors at Lake O. He was so excited, but he refused to touch it. I guess we've got some work to do there!
This summer Barrett really started to come out from behind his sister's shadow and show us who he is. Long story short, he idolizes everything about his daddy. He decided he no longer wants to wear his rash-guards (i.e. swim shirts) when he is swimming, because daddy doesn't wear one. He also decided he wanted to ride the standup just like his daddy. This photo is right after he got done riding the standup, and note the lack of shirt under his life jacket.
The paddle boards have been a big hit this summer, and even the kids have gotten into the action. This photo is when our older two and the two neighbor kids decided they all wanted to ride the paddle board together. This picture was taken just seconds before they all ended up in the lake.
Audrey is growing up way to fast and often tries to act older than she really is. So, those moments when she is just having fun and acting like a kid are dear to me. I realize that they won't be here much longer, so I want to take them in and act like a kid with her. This summer, she was particularly interested in perfecting her cannon ball, and, I must say, she has done pretty well. Now if she would just stop holding her nose!
This is the first summer that Fletcher has been active and aware of his surroundings. He is particularly aware of his siblings and wants to do anything they are doing. Naturally, they like to play with squirt guns, so he does too...even when they're bigger than him.
Barrett caught his first fish when he was fishing with the neighbors at Lake O. He was so excited, but he refused to touch it. I guess we've got some work to do there!
One of Audrey's newfound joys is taking my phone when I am not looking to take selfies and other random photos. For some reason, this particular selfie makes me laugh.
If you didn't recall from earlier posts, Fletcher really likes boats. If we put him in a pool on the dock with boats in it, he can make boat noises and play until his fingers start to look like prunes.
To close things out, I'll just say that it was such a joy to spend time with family and friends this summer. It feels like we don't see the people that live closest to us as much in the summer, but we definitely see our parents and lake friends more. It's hard to pick a photo that really captures all of that in one shot, but I think I've found the perfect one. This is my father-in-law and one of our Lake O neighbors, Brandon, doing a "bro-jump" off of the high dive. Here's to summer!
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