Disclaimer: There is self-deprication and blunt honest ahead in this post, but I am not looking for pity or compliments. The purpose of this post is to share my perspective and hopefully encourage others feeling the same to know they're not alone.
The past few weeks, I've been a pretty terrible mommy, especially by today's standards. I've yelled at my kids. I've argued heatedly with my husband in front of my kids. I've been snippy with all of them A LOT. I've selfishly put my kids to bed just so I can watch Fixer Upper without interruption. I've fed them sugary food because that's what I wanted to eat. I haven't been as patient, kind, structured, or loving as I know I should be.
Not to make excuses, but there has been a lot going on. Both at home and at work, I've been busy. Billy and I both have. We've needed downtime that there has been no time to have. So, we've resorted to being snippy with each other and with the kids.
Earlier this week, I realized just how bad it had gotten when I used some language that I am not proud of in front of my kids. I saw the looks on their faces, and it was a look of surprise and fear. The comment wasn't directed at them, but it still startled them. I spent that evening feeling really guilty and beating myself up, because Facebook, Pinterest, and all of the parenting blogs tell me that I shouldn't raise my voice or use foul language in front of my kids. They are right, but they often a bit utopian as well. Yes, I choose to read those things. And, yes, I could just ignore them. But I can't not notice them, because they're everywhere. And the more I see, the more I try to hold myself to unrealistic standards, which stresses me out, makes me crabbier, and just perpetuates the issue.
As I layed in bed that night, I initially found myself reliving my mistakes and feeling overwhelmed by everything I had going on. After a few moments, I finally forced myself to pray instead of dwell on the mistakes I'd made. It's a practice that I started a couple of years ago when I read a book on how praising God, even when that is the last thing you want to do, makes a profound difference in the way you live you life. I don't always do it. But, when I do choose to lift a prayer of praise to God in those moments when I am angry, anxious, frustrated, or hurt, the effect is surprising. By the time I fell asleep that night, I had found hope again. I turned my thoughts away from what I had done to what God can do. I accepted God's grace for the sins I'd committed and let them go. This allowed me to see past everything that was making me crabby to focus on him. All of that from a few words of praise and thanks.
The power of praise is that it unintentionally reminds us what God is capable of. I praise him for his grace and mercy, and then I remember that he gives both of those freely to me. I praise him for the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross, and I realize the struggles I am facing are not so big they can't be overcome. It's amazing what praise can do for my own heart!
Since that night, I've been able to let more things go, whether the perpatrator is me or my family. I've also been able to stop accepting my bad behavior, because my hope has been restored that I can overcome it. No more excuses. Yes, life is stressful, but it's also beautiful. God's grace and love have allowed me to stop feeling overwhelmed by the fullness of my life and start feeling the love and beauty again. It has always been there, including in these past few weeks, but I was losing sight of it because I was focusing on the stressors. I'm still not perfect, but that is part of the beauty. If I was perfect, my kids would not have this chance to see God's grace in action.
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