Friday started with newborn photos. It is always fun to see Christy and catch up while she takes amazing photos of our kids. Unfortunately, Fletcher was not as cooperative as I had hoped, but Christy always manages to capture some good photos despite the fussy baby. Fletcher wore himself out though and fell fast asleep as soon as we were done, naturally. After pictures, we headed to the pediatrician (all 5 of us), where we found out that Fletcher has only gained 4 ounces in the past week, which is much less than expected. The pediatrician also noticed that his jaundice didn't look any better, so she sent us to the hospital lab to have his blood drawn to test his bilirubin levels. While I was at the hospital with Fletcher, Billy took the kids to the park where Audrey rode her bike without training wheels for the first time. Then, around 5:30, the pediatrician called to let me know that Fletcher's bilirubin levels were pretty high, and she wanted us to take him to the hospital to be treated. My initial reaction to this news was along the lines of "ok, they put him under a special light and he gets better; let's do what we need to do." That quickly turned to, "wait a minute, he is going to be admitted to the hospital. My baby is going back to the hospital. What!?"
We were admitted to the hospital around 8 pm. After a very sleepless night (I think I got about 4.5 hours of sleep combined), I am happy to report that Fletcher's bilirubin levels have gone down. His skin is also starting to look less yellow. He is also starting to look They are still pretty high, but based on the doctor's observations, they don't think he is at risk of any lasting issues from his jaundice. So, we are preparing to leave the hospital and go home after almost 20 hours of the photo-therapy.
Whirlwind is the one word that I can think of to most accurately describe yesterday's events. I woke up Friday morning pretty well rested (I got two 2-hour stretches and one 4-hour stretch of sleep Thursday night) and ready for the events on my calendar. I did not, however, expect the turn those events would take or that I would be sleeping at the hospital Friday night.
This whirlwind of events has caused the mommy guilt to begin swirling around in my head. I am questioning why Fletcher isn't gaining weight and wondering whether I am producing enough milk to sustain him. I am doubting whether I am as in tune with Fletcher's needs as I thought I was. I am frustrated that I was overconfident in my knowledge of breastfeeding since I had done so successfully with my other two children. I love my son and want to make the right decisions to ensure his health and well-being. Unfortunately, he can't talk yet, so it will take a bit of trial and error to figure out how to work through all of this. I know God is watching over us, so I am just praying that he will guide us to the right decisions for Fletcher. I hope that includes his bilirubin levels continuing to drop and me being able to exclusively breastfeed him. But, as long as Fletcher is healthy, that is what matters. And, I will trust God through whatever happens.
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