My daily routines are centered primarily on 2 focuses: my family and my job. Each of those have many different parts, and challenges in any of those parts is often create enough of a gap for some of the guilt or doubt to start making their way inside. All of the challenges with Audrey's transition to kindergarten have done just that. They've made me question my parenting choices and whether we are being effective in raising our children to be self-sufficient, God-serving adults. It might help if I had other parents of children in Audrey's class to talk to, but we are just as new to this school as she is. It also doesn't help that I can't participate in a lot of the activities with other moms, because I work full time. That makes the guilt continue to grow. So, when there are opportunities for me to meet other parents and start a network at Audrey's school, I doubt my ability to make the most of them and just don't participate.
It's a vicious cycle once the doubt and guilt start taking hold. It's also easy to feel helpless. I know the guilt and doubt are something that I am allowing. I know I can and should evict them, but it's much more difficult than it sounds. It is difficult because I am relying on myself to do it. Because I am putting my confidence in my own imperfect human will. As long as that is where I am putting my trust, it's not surprising that I feel helpless, because I am.
This may sound extremely dark and depressing, and it would be if it weren't for the light of God in my life. While I was praying last night, I was feeling helpless and frustrated. And that is when God reminded me that all I have to do is put my trust in him. I've been reading through the book of First Samuel, which is a narrative of much of David's life. Time and again, he sins. Time and again, he is confronted by that sin. Time and again, he repents. He mourns his humanness and his inability to serve God with an unpolluted heart. But time and again, God welcomes him back with open arms. God blesses him and encourages him. God never turns away.
That, my friends, is where I am putting my confidence. This is the same God that sent his son to die so that we can be saved. The same God that tells us in Matthew 6 that we should not worry about anything, but in everything put our trust in him. The doubt and guilt are still there trying to break me down, but God's presence is stronger. Even today at church last weekend, he knew I needed this reminder, and I opened my pew Bible for the scripture reading to see Matthew 6:34. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I am taking that to heart so that I can stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and how I measure up as a parent. Like David, I am putting my faith and trust in God. Like David, I will fail to measure up because I am human. But like David, God will embrace me and pull me closer to him. And that is what gives my life meaning and purpose.
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