In the past couple of weeks, I've caught Audrey telling Fletcher, "Bad boy" several times. He is doing something he is not supposed to be doing, and that is her way of correcting him. When I see it happen, I ask her why she calls him that. Her response is that she hears us do it with Tripper (the dog), so she does it with Fletcher. I try to explain to her that as Fletcher gets older, he'll learn the meaning of those words. Just because he makes a bad choice that results in negative consequences, that doesn't make him a "bad boy." It just means he made a bad choice. I firmly believe that, and I want my children to grow up knowing that they have good, loving hearts and that a bad choice or mistake here or there doesn't detract from the amazing person God made them to be. So, we try to teach them that they are God's children, and all it takes to get rid of the "bad" is God's grace.
If I believe that so strongly for my children, why is it so hard to believe that for myself?
I've had a rough week. There's no way around it. It's not the worst week; it could be much worse. But, there was a lot of stuff that happened that was out of my control and just caused some chaos. The chaos caused me to be stressed. I was actually feeling pretty good about how I'd managed the stress through the week. I definitely had my moments, but I made it. And when Billy got home on Friday, I was so relieved. I was glad to have my partner and helper back. But, instead of doing a happy dance and celebrating with my family, I let all of the pent up emotion that I'd been pushing down erupt.
So, what happened? Well, I lost my cool about silly stuff. I yelled...a lot. I cried. I beat myself up for not having it all together. I cried some more. I asked "why" a lot. Why, at my age can't I do a better job of managing my stress? Why do I lose my cool when I know I shouldn't? Why can't I see this coming and calm myself down before I start yelling? Why am I not better than this? Why am I such a bad mom and bad wife?
Why? Well, a wise person I know said it perfectly...I am human.
That's easy for me to forget, but ultimately, just like my children, I am God's child. I have a good, loving heart, but I do make mistakes. I make bad choices. In fact, I make the same mistakes and same bad choices over and over again. But, I need to take the same lesson that I try to teach my children and remind myself that all of my bad choices, my sin, are erased because of Jesus. God's amazing grace frees me from the guilt, shame, and disgust I feel because of my bad actions.
So, as much as I may want to ask "why?" As much as I may want to punish myself and wallow in my remorse, instead I will turn my eyes to God. I will ask forgiveness, and let God's grace wash me clean. I am doing it right now, as I write this. I guess that's part of the reason I needed to write this. To force myself to accept the grace and move forward. To make myself accountable to the same lessons I try to instill in my children.
God, thank you for your son, for the gift of life and the victory over death. I don't deserve the sacrifice he made. I am bad; I have a sinful heart; I sin repeatedly; I hurt the people around me; I hurt you. Yet, you open your arms to me and call me closer. You call me back to you and offer me a gift. There aren't words to describe how grateful I am for your forgiveness. I can't describe the joy I feel because of the freedom from sin your grace bestows upon me. Help me to live in that joy and share it with everyone I meet. Help me to leave the guilt and shame behind me, replacing them with love and joy. Amen.
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