Bad Mom

Disclaimer:  There is self-deprication and blunt honest ahead in this post, but I am not looking for pity or compliments.  The purpose of this post is to share my perspective and hopefully encourage others feeling the same to know they're not alone.

The past few weeks, I've been a pretty terrible mommy, especially by today's standards.  I've yelled at my kids. I've argued heatedly with my husband in front of my kids.  I've been snippy with all of them A LOT. I've selfishly put my kids to bed just so I can watch Fixer Upper without interruption. I've fed them sugary food because that's what I wanted to eat.  I haven't been as patient, kind, structured, or loving as I know I should be. 

Not to make excuses, but there has been a lot going on.  Both at home and at work, I've been busy.  Billy and I both have.  We've needed downtime that there has been no time to have.  So, we've resorted to being snippy with each other and with the kids. 

Earlier this week, I realized just how bad it had gotten when I used some language that I am not proud of in front of my kids.  I saw the looks on their faces, and it was a look of surprise and fear.  The comment wasn't directed at them, but it still startled them.  I spent that evening feeling really guilty and beating myself up, because Facebook, Pinterest, and all of the parenting blogs tell me that I shouldn't raise my voice or use foul language in front of my kids.  They are right, but they often a bit utopian as well.  Yes, I choose to read those things.  And, yes, I could just ignore them.  But I can't not notice them, because they're everywhere.  And the more I see, the more I try to hold myself to unrealistic standards, which stresses me out, makes me crabbier, and just perpetuates the issue. 

As I layed in bed that night, I initially found myself reliving my mistakes and feeling overwhelmed by everything I had going on.  After a few moments, I finally forced myself to pray instead of dwell on the mistakes I'd made.  It's a practice that I started a couple of years ago when I read a book on how praising God, even when that is the last thing you want to do, makes a profound difference in the way you live you life.  I don't always do it.  But, when I do choose to lift a prayer of praise to God in those moments when I am angry, anxious, frustrated, or hurt, the effect is surprising.  By the time I fell asleep that night, I had found hope again.   I turned my thoughts away from what I had done to what God can do.  I accepted God's grace for the sins I'd committed and let them go.  This allowed me to see past everything that was making me crabby to focus on him.  All of that from a few words of praise and thanks. 

The power of praise is that it unintentionally reminds us what God is capable of.  I praise him for his grace and mercy, and then I remember that he gives both of those freely to me.  I praise him for the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross, and I realize the struggles I am facing are not so big they can't be overcome.  It's amazing what praise can do for my own heart! 

Since that night, I've been able to let more things go, whether the perpatrator is me or my family.  I've also been able to stop accepting my bad behavior, because my hope has been restored that I can overcome it.  No more excuses.  Yes, life is stressful, but it's also beautiful.  God's grace and love have allowed me to stop feeling overwhelmed by the fullness of my life and start feeling the love and beauty again.  It has always been there, including in these past few weeks, but I was losing sight of it because I was focusing on the stressors.  I'm still not perfect, but that is part of the beauty.  If I was perfect, my kids would not have this chance to see God's grace in action.

Ice Days

There is one thing you know if you've ever visited/lived in/known someone in Missouri.  The weather in Missouri is absolutely nuts.  I am not referring to storms specifically either.  I am referring to the fact that one day it is sunny, beautiful, and warm, and the next everything is covered in ice.  Not pretty, fluffy snow, but slick, cold ice.  So as not to bore you, I'll give you a cliff notes rundown of the last 7 days in St. Louis. 

• Tuesday - chilly, but sunny and clear
• Wednesday - Crazy warm for January - like almost 70 degrees crazy - my kids went to the park without coats on 
• Thursday -  foggy and warm in the morning, and then temperatures plummeted by nightfall
• Friday - the news had been calling for an ice storm of epic proportions - we got ice for sure, but no snow
• Saturday - more rain/ice/sleet
• Sunday - more rain/ice/sleet
• Monday - temperatures in the 50s mean it is now just rainy and wet

With so much ice on the horizon, most activities we had planned this weekend got canceled.  Aside from Barrett's hockey practice and church, we've been cooped up in the house.  The kids have been a little stir crazy, but we've tried to keep it fun.  Watching movies, letting mommy take photos, playing games, cooking, building tents, and LOTS of time putting together Legos. 

Audrey finished the Disney Castle too, which she is very proud of.  Billy and Barrett helped with parts, but it was primarily Audrey who build the set that is said to be best suited for those people 16 and older. 

Despite being stuck in the house for a few days, I think we had fun being together as a family.  I also think the kids are ready to go back to school to see their friends though.  Mommy and daddy just aren't as fun.  After all, we aren't big fans of Kidz Bop!

9 Months

You're growing up so fast, and now you're 9 months old.  You're getting big enough that the toddler is starting to emerge and the baby is starting to fade.  You officially weigh over 20 pounds and are 29.5 inches long.  You love getting into everything you can crawl to and you are curious about everything.   You pull up on all of the furniture, especially when there is a remote or phone you think you can reach. You are very uncertain when you let go, so you usually grab hold again.  You're getting better at moving from a standing position back to sitting, and you usually only do that when you want to crawl somewhere else to get into something else.  Stairs?  Not a problem.  You go up with ease.  Coming down is a bit harder, so you just wait at the top and fuss until someone comes to get you.

You don't have to wait long for help when you fuss, because your siblings are extremely attentive.  I am pretty sure they've conditioned you to expect someone to come get you when you make your grunting/fussy noise.  You love your siblings though.  You like to sit and watch them play, and you always want to be where they are.  They don't always like that, because you're starting to get into their stuff, but most of the time, they let you tag along.  In fact, we're pretty sure you can say "Bear-Bear," which is what we call Barrett sometimes. 

You've learned to say momma, and you've got it down now.  As soon as I walk in the door, you just repeat it until I come to hold you for a few minutes.  You're not super clingy though, unless you're tired, and then I can't put you down. When you are tired, you're doing a better job of falling asleep on your own.  That is great, but it also means you're not falling asleep in my arms as much.  So, when you do, I go all paparazzi on you.

One of your most endearing traits is the way you smile.  You still squish up your nose and squint your eyes.  It's your little squish face smile.  I am sure you'll outgrow it at some point when you realize you don't have to put so much work into your smile, so I'll take as many pictures as I can of it right now and laugh right along with you. 

I almost forgot to mention that you now have 2 teeth.  They came in less than a week apart right after you were getting over being sick.  You're smile was cute anyway, but now it's even cuter with the little pearly whites peaking out of the bottom of your mouth.

Another exciting month is ahead of us as you begin to eat more solid foods and continue to increase your crawling speed.  Audrey told me just today that she wishes she had a baby that couldn't move anywhere still.  I guess it was nice when I didn't have to watch you like hawk, but at the same time, it is so fun to watch you grow! 

Winter Classic Fun

Before I started dating my husband, I didn't know much about hockey.  In fact, the first hockey game I attended was on a date with him.  It was a St. Louis Blues game.  I don't remember who they played or whether they won.  I do remember that I wore boots with heels, which I later regretted because the stairs in the upper seats are steep and we had to walk a long way from the car. 

Fast forward 15 years...

I've been to more Blues hockey games than I can count.  Billy now plays hockey as a hobby.  My oldest son is learning to play hockey.  I got ice skates for Christmas, so now our entire family has ice skates.  My second son's newborn photos included a family photo of us in our Blue's gear. I also got to attend one of the biggest events in Blues history, the 2017 Winter Classic. 

Billy was beside himself with excitement, so the whole house was buzzing with anticipation the week between Christmas and New Years.  We had everything planned out, and the first event was the Alumni Game on New Years Eve.  It was a beautiful sunny day with temperatures in the low 50s.  It was pretty perfect weather as the spectator of an outdoor hockey game. 

When we got downtown, we could feel the excitement everywhere we went.  I had to remind myself a few times that this was just the alumni game...the real thing was still 2 days away.  I've never seen so much Blue in Busch stadium in my life.  It was amazing.  Even for an alumni game, the stadium was so packed you couldn't see much of the red seats peaking through the spectators. 

The game was a lot of fun.  It was amazing to see so many greats from the past play.  I mean, if I recognized the names and knew who they were, they must have been great!  The best part was that the Blues won.  Even though it was just for fun, that win just increased the excitement. 

Two days later, we woke up to pouring rain.  Billy had been watching the forecast all week hoping it would change, but the reality was, well, wet.  When we got to the stadium, the excitement in the air wasn't dampened by the weather.  Remarkably, the rink and surrounding decorations on the field were largely unaffected. 

By the time the game started, we were hunkered down in our ponchos staying as dry as we could.  I honestly don't know how the players played through the rain. As a spectator, you could hear how slushy the ice was as they skated from one end of the rink to the other.  But, the Blues victory made it all worth it in the end. 

One of the thing that made me most proud was that throughout the whole weekend they really focused on the youth hockey here in St. Louis.  Knowing that I have at least one son who wants to be part of that community, it was really cool to see that the focus wasn't just on the professional players.  There was a small rink right next to the big rink where kids got to play before the games and during intermissions.

After all of the fun at the games, Billy and I had an opportunity that next week to go skate on the ice at Busch Stadium before they took it down.  It was frigid but sunny the day we went.  It was really cool to see how they'd set it all up in a baseball stadium.  In fact, we had hot chocolate in the visitor's dugout!  The view from the ice was amazing even if it was freezing.  It wasn't a bad way to break in my new skates!

In my 15 years as a Blues fan, I can honestly say that the Winter Classic was the coolest hockey experience I've had.  Admittedly, I didn't understand the allure of this cold and grueling sport when I first started watching it (if you couldn't figure that out by my choice of footwear at my first game).  But I get it now.  I get the thrill and the excitement.  But, more than that, I get the community that I've become a part of.  That is the community of St. Louis hockey fans. 

Fletcher's First Christmas

A child's first year is special for their family.  While they won't remember the many milestones and "firsts" they'll experience, it is a special time for their family to experience those things with them for the first time.  I am needing to remind myself of that as I write this post, because Fletcher spent his first Christmas really not feeling well.  As a family, we still made a lot of wonderful memories, and Fletcher being sick willy really stand out in our memories as time goes by.

Since Christmas was on a Sunday, school was out starting the previous Thursday.  We had family gatherings starting Friday, so Thursday was our day to relax and prepare.  I woke up that morning not feeling well, and so began the circle of sick that filled our house this holiday season. 

Saturday, our tradition of opening gifts at our house with Billy's parents continued.  Fletcher wasn't sure what to do at first, but he quickly started to get into it.  He loved ripping the paper off, and then he either wanted to pull up on the big boxes so he could hit them and make noise or try to eat the paper from the smaller boxes. 

The evening of Christmas Eve, we went to church.  Fletcher was more interested in eating the candles for the candle-light service than listening to the sermon, but he LOVED the music.  He was clapping and smiling the entire time we were singing Christmas Carols. 

Christmas morning, Fletcher awoke with a runny nose and red eyes.  I figured he had caught the cold that I'd had before it turned into a sinus infection.  So, we opened gifts at home and then headed to Litchfield to celebrate the day with Billy's family. 

He was a trooper the whole time we were at Granny's house, but he was extremely clinging and tired.  He still let everyone hold him and seemed to enjoy watching everything going on around him.  He did eventually take a good nap after Aunt Angie rocked him for a while.

We ended the day at my parents house with my dad's family.  By then, Fletcher had a fever and just wanted to snuggle.  He ended up taking another nice long nap, but his fever didn't break until I gave him some Tylenol the next day. 

Fletcher ended up having an ear infection and pinkeye when he went to the doctor a couple of days later after we noticed his eyes had lots of gunk in them.  He is back to normal and enjoying all of the fantastic gifts he got, even if he wasn't very excited about them when he first opened them.