Broken

I woke up last Thursday with a heart full of optimism.  Billy had been in Washington, DC for work since Monday, and the kids and I were managing pretty well.  Wednesday night was easy, because the kids didn't have any activities.  So, we relaxed at home and enjoyed a movie together. I also got the best night of sleep I'd had in a few days. I was in the home stretch and holding a steady pace.  I sat Fletcher in the dog bed to play so I could actually get myself ready.  He is sitting up on his own pretty well, but just to be safe, the dog bed is soft and cushioned in case he tumbles over.  When Barrett and Audrey woke up, they joined Fletcher in the dog bed and played quietly for a while. All signs seemed to indicate that it would be a good day.

 By the time I went to bed on Thursday night, however, I was so exhausted I was hardly functioning.

So what happened that brought me to my breaking point in less than 12 hours?  I am not sure exactly.  I guess it was just a bunch of little stuff. Frustrating day at work, baby sneezing on me with a mouth full of green beans, tired and fussy preschooler after a long week with no naps, not having gotten more than 4 hours of sleep 3 nights in a row earlier in the week, and Fletcher screaming the entire drive home from Audrey's dance class...the list goes on and on.  There was nothing really terrible that happened, but I could list a myriad little things that just piled up high enough that I broke.  The stress manifested itself when I yelled at Audrey for messing around instead of getting ready for bed.  Then, Billy called me right after I got Audrey and Barrett to bed when I was sitting down to feed Fletcher. The poor guy was excited that he had some time to talk to his wife after a busy day at work, and all I did was complain. 

After weeks like that, it is often hard for me to let go and move on.  I have a hard time forgiving myself for letting all of that silly stuff stress me out so badly, and that just makes it all worse.  So, I am really trying to "give myself grace" as I have come to say.  God gives us grace every day when he forgives our sins.  But I find that I often turn a blind eye to his grace and make myself miserable.  I try to punish myself instead of forgiving myself and accepting his grace with open arms.  Why?  Frankly, I don't know.  Maybe it's my perfectionist nature or my desire to not let my loved ones down or because I care to much what other people think of me.  What I do know for sure is that I need to give myself grace, because when I don't give myself grace, it is much more difficult to give grace to those around me.  And it's in those moments that I break. 

Jesus had to die on the cross because no one else is perfect enough to serve as the ultimate sacrifice.  And because of that, he couldn't be broken.  So he broke death.  I am only human, so I will be broken, and I need Jesus to make me whole.  It is only then that I can give myself enough grace to accept the grace he has given me. 

Parade Fun

It has become a tradition since Audrey started at Westchester and Barrett at KECC to attend the Greentree Parade.  This was the third year we watched the parade. The weather was wonderful, which was such a relief after the torrential rain we'd had the previous 2 days.  This year was especially exciting too, because it was Fletcher's first time at a parade.  We learned that he is intrigued by bagpipes, does not like loud sirens (and can wail louder than them), is content to watch floats and people walk by for more than an hour, and helps his older siblings get TONS of candy. 

One of my favorite things about the Greentree parade is that it officially marks the start of fall, and if you've known me for any period of time, you are probably aware that fall is my favorite season.  Here's to the start of pumpkin patches, pumpkin spice everything, cooler weather, and scarves that compliment every outfit!

5 Months

You're 5 months old, and it's really becoming evident that you are not a newborn anymore.  You move a lot, you sleep less, and you have much better control of your body than you used to.  You've discovered your feet, and you love to see how far they'll fit into your mouth.  Your feet aren't the only thing you put in  your mouth though.  Your hands are almost always in your mouth if there is nothing else within reach.  All of your toys go into your mouth.  Blanket, clothes, your binky holder and my hair all go into your mouth.  And everything comes out covered in slobber...lots and lots of slobber.  You drool constantly.  Sometimes, when your really happy, you find it extremely amusing to blow spit bubbles.  Because of that, bibs have become your go to fashion accessory. 

You can roll onto your belly and do it almost immediately every time you are on a flat surface.  You can use your arms to push up your head and shoulders so you can look around when you're on your belly.  You even like to sleep on your belly.  You haven't mastered the skill of rolling to your back again from your belly, and you get extremely frustrated when you try unsuccessfully. 

You also like to be upright as much as possible.  That means playing in your exer-saucer and sitting up with some support from a pillow or an attentive adult.  You are getting so strong; it is fun to watch you move around to reach for toys or play when you're sitting up. I try to keep you sitting up as much as possible, because your hair has started to rub off on the back of your head where you are constantly rolling around on it.  I

This month marked a big milestone...you got to eat something other than breastmilk!  You had rice cereal for the first time, and you LOVED it!  You gobbled it up like you'd been eating it for years.  Your siblings are extremely amused by your newfound culinary interests.  Soon I am sure they'll get a chance to try their hand at feeding you.  You are doing so well eating off of a spoon.  This week we're going to expand your pallet to some veggies. 

You went to the doctor this past month and confirmed my suspicions.  You are still at the 75th percentile for your height and only the 30th for your weight.  That's right.  You are a beanpole, even at 5 months old.  You've gained a little more roundness in your face, but you very obviously lack the Michelin Man baby rolls that most young ones are sporting at your age.  You still give fantastic cuddles though.  You love to be rocked to sleep, and I relish those moments.  I love holding you and having you reach up and touch my face.  When I look down and see your gummy smile, it melts my heart, because I realize just how blessed I am to be your momma.