Mommy Guilt

I think all working mothers from time to time get what I call the Mommy Guilt. I know I get it more often that I want to admit. It is that sinking in your stomach when you drop off your child at daycare on your way to work, and they cry and reach for you as you walk out the door. It is the voice in the back of your head that says “Why are you waking your sleeping child? Don’t you want to let her sleep and snuggle up in bed beside her?” It is the tears that you hold back every time you have to work late, miss a night with your family because of work travel, or spend a Saturday afternoon logged onto your work computer instead of taking your children to the park.

I hate Mommy Guilt. After all, it is hard enough to get up and go to work every day; who wants to carry the weight of that ugly self-hate? So, what do I do? I make grasping attempts to justify the fact that I work outside of the home. I tell myself that my mom worked, and my brother and I turned out well. I list in my head all of the interesting and fun lessons and activities my children do at daycare that I would never have thought to do at home. I watch my children play and interact with other children and adults in ways that are healthy and advanced for their age and attribute it to the time they spend in a social setting at daycare. I celebrate their independence as a benefit of being away from me during the day while I work. I focus on the good that is coming from my work. And I pray. Oh, do I pray. I pray that God will guide me to the road that is His, and that I will serve him by following it. I pray and look for Him to tell me that I am supposed to make a change. When I don’t hear that, I use that as justification to carry on attempting to balance my job and my family.

Despite all of my best efforts, I can’t completely shut out the Mommy Guilt. For all of my justifications, it has a solid rebuttal. It is like trying to close a door when the doorframe is crooked and the door hits the molding on the wall instead of fitting into the frame. I can push and shove all I want, but that door is never going to close properly. The only way to keep it from opening is to stand there and hold it. I can tell myself every positive thing I want about my job and my children’s’ daycare, but the Mom part of me is never going to accept the fact that I spend more time with my coworkers than I do with my precious blessings. So, I continue to struggle every day with holding the door shut while the Mommy Guilt waits on the other side for me to let down my guard so it can swing open the door and invite itself back in.

I should take a moment to note that in no way do I mean to imply that mothers who stay at home with their children have it easier than moms who work outside of the home. I am not even saying that they don’t have what I call Mommy Guilt. I realize that role has its own unique set of challenges, and I still consider it work. My purpose in this post is only to share my thoughts and feelings regarding my life choices relating to my career and my struggle to balance that with my role as a mother.

I have been battling this Mommy Guilt on a daily basis since August 10 of last year, which was my first day back from work after Barrett was born. You might wonder why I don’t say that it hit me after Audrey was born, and I don’t have a good response. Maybe it is the fact that I am a little older and more mature; maybe it is the fact that my job is much more demanding and stressful now than it was in 2009; maybe it is the fact that my time at home is now split between two children, so I am not able to focus my attention on one precious child; maybe it is the fact that more of my friends have children now and more of them are staying home; maybe it is the fact that I now spend more than an hour each day commuting to and from work. I am not saying I never felt the Mommy Guilt before Barrett was born. It would make its way through the door every once in a while, but it was not even half as strong or persistent as it has been over the course of the past year. None of my attempts to diminish its power have worked. I am constantly fighting to keep it at bay. I haven’t been able to take a rest from trying to keep the Mommy Guilt out. I am growing weary and just want it to leave me alone!

The Frog comes out of Sunshine

It is hard to believe that Barrett is becoming a toddler.  Just over a year ago, he started going to Downtown Children's Center in the Sunshine room for infants.  This past week, he transitioned to the Frog room with the other toddlers.  I remember when Audrey made this transition (although she was in the Rainbow room), and it was amazing how much she developed in her first couple of months being around the "big kids."  I am sure that Barrett will be the same way.  Just in the pat week, his vocabulary started exploding.  He now says "good," "drink," "thank you," and "I do" in the proper context.  It still catches me off guard when he uses words that I understand in response to the world around him.  Just today at lunch, he wanted more water, and after I got it for him, he said "thank you."  Granted, to an untrained ear, it may sound like "da-ooh," but clarity will come with time.

In addition to words, Barrett's non-verbal development has surged forward in the past month.  He still has his glowing smile, but now he accompanies it with waving, pointing, open-mouth slobber kisses, and nasty tantrums to communicate as well.   He practically runs everywhere and has outgrown many of his baby toys.  He prefers his sister's toys much of the time, specifically her child-sized Dyson vacuum and her kitchen set.  Audrey does remarkably well with letting him play with her toys, as long as he doesn't touch Bitty Baby or her accessories. 

Barrett has also taken a keen interest in silverware.  He successfully wields his dining utensils once or twice a meal to move his food from plate to mouth; the rest of the time, he holds up the spoon or fork in his right hand like it is a torch and he is the Statue of Liberty while shoveling food into his mouth with the left hand.  It has yet to be seen whether he will be left-handed, but it is looking that way right now. 

I know that the next few months are going to be filled with developmental milestones, which always leaves me with a sense of pride and joy mixed with a pang of sadness.  As a parent, you always want your child to keep growing into the independent person that God created him/her to be, but at the same time you want to hold on to the baby you brought into this world and cared for.  For me, it is more prevalent with Barrett right now.  I think part of that is because I just stopped nursing him about 2 weeks ago, so I don't get that mommy and baby time with him anymore.  It still happens with Audrey though, especially when she tries to at in a way that she thinks is more grown up.  I guess I should be thankful that I have so many friends who will be welcoming babies over the next year, so I can still get my baby fix.