I Lift My Eyes

This post has been formulating in my brain for a while, but I am finally taking the time to sit down and write it. 

Three weeks ago, we packed up and headed to Lake O for the weekend.  We do this a lot, so I’ve got the routine down.  The kids even know what to pack (even though they always need to be reminded about pajamas and underwear). This time, however, the kids were packing for a whole week.  So, when we came home on Sunday, the kids stayed at the lake with their Nana and Papa.  This is a tradition that started 3 years ago, so I wasn’t fully prepared for the week ahead like I thought I was.

Monday and Tuesday, we worked.  Then Tuesday night, we went out with friends because Wednesday was the 4^th of July.  It was so nice to be able to be spontaneous and stay out late without having to worry about what time we told the babysitter we’d be home.  Wednesday morning, we slept in.  Another rarity in our life with kids.  We then got up and went to Greenville to hang out with my family.  That day was tough. The business was gone and the reality of my children being 4 hours away hit me.  I wasn't with my kids to celebrate a holiday that, since Audrey was born over 9 years ago, I’ve always celebrated with them.  Thursday and Friday were back to the grind until we made it to the lake late on Friday and were reunited with the kiddos. 

The next week, Billy was in California and Audrey was at her first overnight camp.  It was just the boys and I.  We actually had a good week, despite me playing single momma and not having my mini-momma around to help out.  But, I frequently found myself that week torn between home and work.  I was making sure I was doing what I needed to for my family while my husband was gone, but in doing that I was having to keep strict hours for work and had no flexibility to go in early or stay late. 

All of this has had me really battling with the working mom guilt.  In the past I’ve called it just “mom-guilt,” but I’ve come to realize this is a specific flavor.  At church a few weeks ago, someone likened it to different flavors of gum, which is totally accurate.  As moms, we all feel guilty about something that we are or are not doing and think we should be.  But, depending on our circumstances, ages of our children, etc., that guilt is about different things and manifests in different ways.  For example, one stay-at-home mom I know mentioned that her guilt is about how she spends money; more specifically, since she isn’t bringing in income, she feels bad spending money on things for herself.  For a mom that is a teacher, she feels guilty about the fact that she isn’t as patient with her own children as she is with the other children she teaches, because she's just tired when she gets home.  For me, the guilt is about the fact that there are only so many waking hours in the day, and I don’t feel like I spend enough of them on my job or my family. 

I could let this guilt paralyze me from doing anything, and if I am honest, I started to trend in that direction. I was getting so stressed out that I wasn’t actually making good use of my time either at home or at work.  But then God reminded me through some awesome friends that I am not in this alone, and that I need not rely on my own strength and abilities to balance it all.   Only He is all things. I am human; He is God.   So, I need to stop trying to be all things, have faith that God is in control, and just be the best me I can.  While it’s hard to keep that perspective, there’s always help in His word. Specifically, Psalm 121 has been my anchor verse as I continue my search for balance in my life.

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
    where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    the Maker of heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot slip—
    he who watches over you will not slumber;
4 indeed, he who watches over Israel
    will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord watches over you—
    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
6 the sun will not harm you by day,
    nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all harm—
    he will watch over your life;
8 the Lord will watch over your coming and going
    both now and forevermore.

Praise God that I don't have to do this alone.  Praise him for helping me.  Praise him for keeping me from harm. Praise him for watching over me "both now and forevermore." 

It's Lake Time Again

Somehow, we've made it to the end of June and I still haven't done a post about our lake visits.  I guess the fact that this is the first weekend we haven't been at Lake O in a month is the main reason why!  As the kids grow, it is so much fun to see what they do the same and differently from previous summers on the lake.

The biggest difference this summer is definitely Tripper.  Since the first moment we encouraged Tripper to get in the water, he hasn't stopped.  He is constantly in the water, and he loves to swim.  I thought Stella liked the water, but Tripper takes it to a whole new level.  He actually will just swim around with the kids, not just after toys, sticks, or birds (although he enjoys swimming after all of those as well).

One thing that hasn't changed though is that Stella loves the water.  She does get jealous when Tripper constantly jumps over her to get to the toy first when they're swimming.  I guess she finally knows how Jack felt all those years that she would jump over him!

Another big change is how independent Fletcher is.  Last summer, he wasn't the steadiest on his feet and would tire of being on the dock and want to go to the house or deck.  This summer though, he could play in his kiddie pool on the dock all day.  He's also warmed up to swimming in the lake too. He was leery at first, but by the end of last weekend, I had to bribe him to get out of his little boat in the water with a juice box.

Barrett is really starting to be more independent on the water.  He loves the kayak and will just row himself around the dock.  He also has started swimming from time to time (with a parent in the water) without a life jacket.  He also can't wait to ride the standups and waverunners every time we go down to the lake.  I guess he takes after his dad just a little bit.

Audrey is really starting to swim well on her own without a life jacket.  She still loves to swim, jump of the diving board, and go down the water slide.  Her jumps are getting much more creative too!  As much as she has grown up, she still really loves the one on one time with her grandparents and even Billy and I when we're at the lake.  She isn't the biggest fan of the waverunners or standups, but that doesn't stop her from getting in some dedicated time with her family. Oh, and she still loves sitting in the chairs on the dock. I am pretty sure I could find a picture of her in this same chair on the dock for the past 3 or 4 years.

We are so blessed to be able to spend so much time at the lake seeing our family and enjoying the water.  Here's to many more weekends this summer AND to many more summers of weekends at the lake!

Trust and Obey

I have been and always will be a rule follower at heart.  Even as a child, it gave me great joy to do what was right, knowing that I was playing my part to keep order in society.  Those of you who know me well are not shocked to hear this, but you may be surprised by how shamelessly I have come to own it now. But, rule following made things so simple as a child. Doing what was right meant following the rules, and I was fortunate that I was raised by people who really were looking out for my well being.  So, the rules really did keep me and others around me safe.

As I have grown up, my desire to do what is right hasn't changed one bit.  What is different is how I determine what is right.  I've grown to know and love Jesus as my savior, and I know that God's plan is right and true.  That said, that plan isn't always clear.  My life experience, biases and desire to be in control of my life take over.  They create a lot of noise that make God's voice much harder to discern.
Lately, I've been feeling very distant from God, but I couldn't pinpoint why.  I have been confronted frequently by situations where the people around me were making choices that I worried would not take them down the right path. And, because I am a rule follower I see that as a BIG problem.  I've been surrounded all of my life by people that make choices that led them someplace they didn't want to be. However, this seemed different because I felt like God was calling me in a couple of different situations to act. I know this, yet I am helpless to affect the situation; or am I?  That's the question I've been wrestling with.

For example, do I stop letting my child hang out with a friend that encourages behaviors we don't tolerate like lying?  If I do that, it protects her now, but what about the next time she is faced with a friend who encourages even more destructive behavior?  Do I need to let her figure this one out on her own, but stay close to the situation and talk about it with her frequently?  How do I teach her to be kind and love her friends well while teaching her to protect herself from the bad choices they make? 

There are several other situations similar to this one with both friends and family.  So, I read my Bible and search for the answers.  I read about speaking the truth in love and using God's word as a signpost.  I read about loving thy neighbor and hating what is wrong. As I wrestle with questions like "how do I speak the truth in love?" I consistently find myself making assumptions about the truth.  However, I realized a couple of weeks ago that I was letting my own experiences and biases guide how I define truth.  I was driving to work when God awakened me to the realization that I need to seek God's truth, and not trust my own.  

After that realization, I began praying fervently that God would speak his truth to me so that I could share it and help guide those people that I love to see it too.  I had good intentions, but I could tell something still wasn't right. I was doing everything I could to help.  I was praying; I was reading my Bible; I was consulting with trusted Christian advisors.  Still, I was seeking control.  I was asking God to tell me what to do and getting frustrated when my marching orders didn't come through.  I saw suffering and wanted to make it better by saying something or doing something to help. Yet God stayed silent.  Well, sort of...you see, God was surrounding me with answers.  They just weren't the answers to the questions I was asking.  I wanted to save my loved ones from suffering, so I wanted God to tell me how to do that.  God was telling me to be patient and trust him.  I was asking God to tell me his truth so I could speak it, and God was telling me to just show love and stay silent.  I wanted God to answer my questions about what the path would look like, and he was telling me to put my faith in him alone. 

It's amazing how low I got because I thought God wasn't speaking to me.  Still, he showed me very clearly that he was listening.  He showed me that he is in control.  He showed me that he doesn't need me but he does want me.  So, here I sit, typing what has become an essay just to organize my thoughts.  These past couple of months have been a journey.  I feel more hope and joy than I've felt in weeks.  And the reason is simple.  I gave up control...well, I am trying to.  I mean, how many times have I gone on a similar journey and ended up in the same place?   Nonetheless, once more I am giving my faith, hope and life in God's hands.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6