The emotions are still very strong. That hasn't changed. What is starting to change, however, is my perspective. I am still sad, angry, scared, and just plain tired of all of this. Leslie from April would have told you 3 months ago she was tired of it, but now, I am REALLY tired of it. If I am honest, when this started, there were some elements of excitement and fun. We were living history. And, I am an introvert, so being forced to stay home wasn't all bad. After all, with my kids and husband here , I never feel lonely. And with tons of videos meetings for work, I had sufficient adult interaction. I also liked getting creative and doing new things with my kids. That was when I thought there was no way we'd still be doing the same thing at the end of May, June, and especially not July.
So, here we are at the end of July. There is no further clarity on when this pandemic will end or get under control. Yet, the novelty has worn off, and we don't really have any more information about what's going on or when it will end.
The most stressful thing about all of this. I can't make plans. PERIOD. I made plans, back in February, to make some changes to our childcare situation with Audrey starting middle school and Fletcher going to full-day preschool in the fall. Then...COVID. Now, my 2 older children won't be going back to a classroom until at least the end of October. AND, I still have no friggn' clue what my 4YO is going to be doing. He's learning to play Mario Kart, so there might just be a lot of Nintendo time in his future (I wish I was joking).
The uncertainty and the constant shifting is the hardest part of all of this. Can we please just come up with some sort of plan for the rest of 2020 and just stick with it? I would spend so much less time worry, trying to manage my anxiety, and coming up with contingency plans if we'd all just commit to the fact that this isn't going to be over by the end of October or even the end of the year. Until there's a vaccine that is safely administered and people are willing to take it, then we're going to be playing this game of two steps forward, one step back.
And that, my friends, is why I decided to finally write this. Because I am tired of feeling all of the feels over and over again every time the hope I had is crushed by another spike in hospitalizations in our area or another set of restrictions that is put in place. I realized that all of this time, I believed this was a temporary situation for a few weeks, even when it extended to months. Now, I can't continue to pretend and comfort myself with that perspective. We are in this for the long haul. And as weird as it sounds, that perspective shift is helping reduce my fear and exhaustion. When I believed it was temporary it felt wrong to not just push through and persevere. Now, I am realizing that this new reality requires endurance and skill that are earned through strategy and persistence, not brute force.
The most stressful thing about all of this. I can't make plans. PERIOD. I made plans, back in February, to make some changes to our childcare situation with Audrey starting middle school and Fletcher going to full-day preschool in the fall. Then...COVID. Now, my 2 older children won't be going back to a classroom until at least the end of October. AND, I still have no friggn' clue what my 4YO is going to be doing. He's learning to play Mario Kart, so there might just be a lot of Nintendo time in his future (I wish I was joking).
The uncertainty and the constant shifting is the hardest part of all of this. Can we please just come up with some sort of plan for the rest of 2020 and just stick with it? I would spend so much less time worry, trying to manage my anxiety, and coming up with contingency plans if we'd all just commit to the fact that this isn't going to be over by the end of October or even the end of the year. Until there's a vaccine that is safely administered and people are willing to take it, then we're going to be playing this game of two steps forward, one step back.
And that, my friends, is why I decided to finally write this. Because I am tired of feeling all of the feels over and over again every time the hope I had is crushed by another spike in hospitalizations in our area or another set of restrictions that is put in place. I realized that all of this time, I believed this was a temporary situation for a few weeks, even when it extended to months. Now, I can't continue to pretend and comfort myself with that perspective. We are in this for the long haul. And as weird as it sounds, that perspective shift is helping reduce my fear and exhaustion. When I believed it was temporary it felt wrong to not just push through and persevere. Now, I am realizing that this new reality requires endurance and skill that are earned through strategy and persistence, not brute force.
So, what does that mean for my path forward? For one, I am focused on sustainable plans. If something isn't sustainable for us until Christmas, it's not an option. Also, if something is completely dependent on other people to make good choices, I will either fully accept the risk (and resulting quarantine period) or, I will just avoid it completely. This is why eating at a restaurant or working out at the gym isn't worth it for me; I'd rather not do those things and be able to do smaller things like visit my niece and nephew. And, I guess it means I am in search of a nanny...again. So, if you know of anyone that wants to enforce virtual school for 3 kids a few hours a day so that I can get some heads down time to do my job, please let me know. I'm not kidding. Message me.
