Thursday, December 10, 2020

Happy Birthday Mom

2020 has been like no year before and has been very challenging for our household like many others.  Lucky thus far we have all been healthy with no signs of COVID, but we have had challenges with work sche bdules (me at work and Leslie remote at home), online schooling, and all the stress with a family not having a lot of space or normalcy.  Leslie has been handling all of this like a super mom.  I have no idea how she is managing it all (work and the kids), but she is doing an outstanding job.  Her time has been very precious this year and that is probably one of the reasons for the lack of blogging, so here I am...  i really just wanted to take the time to recognize how awesome and special of a woman she is.  Our family is truly blessed to have her in our lives and I thank God for her love and support everyday.  Kids I hope you learn more from her than me as then you will all truly be fine in life.  Anyways I love you Leslie and Happy Birthday!!!

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

Breaking the Silence

Oh 2020. The year that we all wish was some weird dystopian book that would just end any minute.  For such a strange and unprecedented year, you may be wondering why I have been so silent on my blog. Well, it comes down to one thing...exhaustion.  Throughout this year the emotions have been so strong and so consuming that I just didn't have the energy to write about them.  Believe me, I started no less than 6 blog posts that I never finished. And, everyone else is writing all of the same things all over social media, so why add more noise to the mix?

The emotions are still very strong.  That hasn't changed. What is starting to change,  however, is my perspective.  I am still sad, angry, scared, and just plain tired of all of this. Leslie from April would have told you 3 months ago she was tired of it, but now, I am REALLY tired of it. If I am honest, when this started, there were some elements of excitement and fun. We were living history. And, I am an introvert, so being forced to stay home wasn't all bad. After all, with my kids and husband here , I never feel lonely.  And with tons of videos meetings for work, I had sufficient adult interaction.  I also liked getting creative and doing new things with my kids. That was when I thought there was no way we'd still be doing the same thing at the end of May, June, and especially not July.  

So, here we are at the end of July.  There is no further clarity on when this pandemic will end or get under control.  Yet, the novelty has worn off, and we don't really have any more information about what's going on or when it will end.

The most stressful thing about all of this. I can't make plans. PERIOD. I made plans, back in February, to make some changes to our childcare situation with Audrey starting middle school and Fletcher going to full-day preschool in the fall. Then...COVID. Now, my 2 older children won't be going back to a classroom until at least the end of October. AND, I still have no friggn' clue what my 4YO is going to be doing. He's learning to play Mario Kart, so there might just be a lot of Nintendo time in his future (I wish I was joking). 

The uncertainty and the constant shifting is the hardest part of all of this. Can we please just come up with some sort of plan for the rest of 2020 and just stick with it? I would spend so much less time worry, trying to manage my anxiety, and coming up with contingency plans if we'd all just commit to the fact that this isn't going to be over by the end of October or even the end of the year. Until there's a vaccine that is safely administered and people are willing to take it, then we're going to be playing this game of two steps forward, one step back.

And that, my friends, is why I decided to finally write this. Because I am tired of feeling all of the feels over and over again every time the hope I had is crushed by another spike in hospitalizations in our area or another set of restrictions that is put in place. I realized that all of this time,  I believed this was a temporary situation for a few weeks, even when it extended to months.  Now, I can't continue to pretend and comfort myself with that perspective.  We are in this for the long haul. And as weird as it sounds, that perspective shift is helping reduce my fear and exhaustion. When I believed it was temporary it felt wrong to not just push through and persevere.  Now, I am realizing that this new reality requires endurance and skill that are earned through strategy and persistence, not brute force. 

So, what does that mean for my path forward? For one, I am focused on sustainable plans. If something isn't sustainable for us until Christmas, it's not an option.  Also, if something is completely dependent on other people to make good choices, I will either fully accept the risk (and resulting quarantine period) or, I will just avoid it completely.  This is why eating at a restaurant or working out at the gym isn't worth it for me; I'd rather not do those things and be able to do smaller things like visit my niece and nephew. And, I guess it means I am in search of a nanny...again. So, if you know of anyone that wants to enforce virtual school for 3 kids a few hours a day so that I can get some heads down time to do my job, please let me know. I'm not kidding. Message me. 

Wednesday, June 3, 2020

Barrett is 8

I am on a roll this year with being a bit late on my birthday posts, so I figured I'd just keep the streak alive. Barrett, you turned 8 last Wednesday. And, since we didn't want to break your streak of birthdays at the lake (this was the 4th year in a row), we figured we'd stay at the lake all week. In true form, you wanted a long boat ride for his big day. He also requested ribs for dinner and an ice cream birthday cake. And, we were able to deliver on all 3 despite the overcast weather and mommy having to work most of the afternoon.




Over the past year, you've continued to become more confident in who you are and what you really enjoy. You love being active, weather it's playing hockey, riding your bike, playing basketball, or literally just running around the yard, you still need to burn off physical energy, or you are bouncing off the walls. You were doing a great job with hockey before the stay-at-home orders went into place because of COVID. But, every time you think there is a chance you might get to skate or play hockey, you get so excited. I can tell you really miss playing. I can really tell how much you love it by how much you are missing it right now. In fact, you miss it so much and want to be so ready to play again, you've been running laps in the yard and doing squats and pushups to stay in shape.



The interim, COVID-friendly sport of choice is bike riding. You are on your bike constantly. And, up until your birthday, you had a bike that was clearly too small for you. You were always peddling twice as fast as everyone else to keep up, but you did it. You're a hard worker, and love riding so much that you didn't even seem to care. But, when we rode 15 miles on the Katy trail on Mother's Day, you were definitely exhausted at the end. I don't think your legs had ever been as sore as they were the next day.




In addition to your love of being active, you love being around and caring for the people you love. The best part of being home with you and your siblings the past 3 months has been watching the of you really bond. You and Audrey love playing games together. She tends to pick up on new games faster, but you're more patient, so as you learn, you start beating her (and she doesn't really like that).



When Audrey is doing dance or practicing music, you and Fletcher get a chance to play together.  There do tend to be a lot of fart jokes, but you also play various versions of Star Wars, army, astronauts, and other superhero shows. Oh, and hockey. You two are constantly getting in trouble for playing hockey in the living room (especially at the start of this stay at home thing before it got nice outside).  Most of the time, I don't quite understand what you are doing, but there are constant "pew pew" gun noises and costumes of some sort that go along with your play.


You're love extends to your dog too. Somethings, I wonder if Tripper actually likes all of the attention you kids give him. You're always chasing him around and playing tough of war. Just today I had to ask you to be quiet while playing with Tripper so I could hear a video chat I was on. But, I see the way he still likes to snuggle up next to you and the way he wags his tail every time you're around. so, I assume that means he does like the attention.


You are extremely creative and are always trying to engineer things. You are constantly trying to tape cardboard and other materials to your remote control cars and drones to see how much they can pull or fly (like the picture below). You still love Legos, and are especially keen on the ones that you can put motors in to make them move in some way.  You spent hours one weekend a couple of months ago trying to make a boat out of Lego blocks that would float (without cheating and using the one-piece Lego boat hull). You were determined to them put a motor on it and make it a remote control boat. You weren't able to get to a point where the blocks were buoyant enough, but I have a feeling you'll figure it out at some point.


I think what I have always loved most about you though is your huge heart. You feel deeply. You love deeply. You get really angry sometimes. But in the end, you really do want to do the right thing. You desire for fairness and justice is sometimes a challenge as a parent (because life isn't always fair), but I know it is a trait that will serve you well as you grow up. I love seeing your bashful smile (the one you have when you're proud of yourself, but your humility won't let you gloat). I love the way you work hard and push yourself, even when sometimes I wish you'd give yourself a little more grace. I love your grittiness; I never doubt that you can achieve anything you set your mind to because of it. I love being your mom and I am so thankful you are part of our family.




Sunday, April 12, 2020

Fletcher is 4

Fletcher, you are now 4 years old. In many ways though, you seem much older. I am pretty sure that I baby you way more than I did your siblings. After all, you are and will always be the baby of the family. You are the most precocious child I have ever met. You talk incessantly, but you do it with such confidence. You rarely stumble over your words or struggle to find something to say. And, you always know what you want and make sure everyone else does too. For your birthday, you wanted a Lego rocket ship. You told that to everyone you talked to for the past few weeks. The morning of your birthday, the first thing you asked was when you could put together your Lego rocket.  Mind you, there were not presents in sight, much less one that you had opened.  But, by the end of the day, you had the rocket in hand and couldn't wait to assemble it.


When you aren't playing with Lego rockets, you are turning everything else into rockets. Duplo Legos, magnet tiles, block, tools, markers...you name it, and my Fletcher will find a way to turn it into a rocket. The most impressive part is that you always make sure you are able to drop the fuel and rocket boosters in stages, just like you've seen in so many shuttle launch videos your dad shows you. And, your love of rockets extends to movies and shows, which is probably why you love Star Wars so much. Your favorite characters are the Storm Troopers, and you insisted on having a Storm Trooper cake. Given the current pandemic, I managed to make one for you and the simple Storm Trooper cutout taped to toothpicks did the trick.


You also love the Storm Trooper stuffy you got for your birthday. He went on a car ride with us today and is sleeping in your bed. I have a feeling he's going to make some trips to the lake this summer too.


You still love hockey. And, you want to play it all of the time. You know how to put on your knee/shin pads, your helmet, and your gloves. You are allowed to play in the basement and garage (when the cars are out of it), but multiple times per week, I catch you gearing up and trying to play in the living room. When we're at your brother's hockey games, you get so mad you can't play. We have started taking your gear with us so you can pretend to play behind the bleachers during Barrett's games so that you won't drive the rest of us crazy. You also skated on your own without help a few weeks back. As soon as the ice rinks open up again, I am sure you'll be in skating lessons, and the rest of us will be in trouble.


Your physical energy doesn't stop with hockey though. you are always running, climbing, and now riding your bike. It's a balance bike, but you love it because it makes you feel like you are riding with your siblings. I usually walk with the wagon though so we can tow the bike when you get tired of riding.



Because you are so self assured in the way and amount of talking you do, it is a little surprising that one of your favorite pastimes is reading books. You LOVE reading. You will read just about any book, but your favorite ones involve spaceships, astronauts, trains, boats, and big trucks. It's really awesome when one of your siblings reads to you before bed. Sweet moments like that warm my heart and make me so happy that the 3 of you have each other.



Another favorite pastime of yours is stealing my phone to take random pictures. I never know what snapshots I will find on my phone. You used to only get photos of your hand and forehead, but you are getting better. You usually get most of your face now, and you have learned to switch the camera so you are photographing things in front of you instead of taking selfies. It will be interesting to see how long it is until those things are actually centered and in focus. Here is some of your recent photography in action.



You are definitely a third child. You love and adore your siblings, but are constantly teetering back and forth between playing like best friends and fighting like the worst of enemies. You do still enjoy playing by yourself with no one to boss you around, but you love it when they wait on you and help you get what you want. And, you always want to do whatever your siblings are doing. I do love watching the 3 of you play thought. It is so amazing to see the bond you have. I hope it continues to grow as you grow.



You are so loved. I guess that's your blessing, my youngest child. You have never known a day without the love of both your parents and all of your siblings. I pray that you will share that love with those around you. I pray that you'll always keep your confidence while learing to listen with a kind and humble heart. You have so much life in you and so much life to live. I love who you are today and who you are becoming. I can't wait to see what God has in store for you. May he bless all of your days with his love and peace.


Saturday, April 11, 2020

Audrey is 11

It's hard to believe that the baby girl I welcomed into my arms just over 11 years ago is now a talented and beautiful young woman. I haven't blogged much lately, and this one is even a few days late, but I couldn't let a milestone like this go by without saying something in this blog that I started because of this tiny human growing inside of me just over 11 years ago. I have a tradition of writing these posts to my children instead of just being about them. So, here goes.

Audrey, I am can't believe how tall you're getting. Well, I guess I can, but still, it won't take long before you're taller than me. Your feet are also getting huge. You're already handing down shoes to your Aunt Laurenn, and pretty soon, you'll be giving them to Grandma Rosie. I guess I shouldn't be surprised though; your dad's feet are huge! And, I remember when you were born, we said you had monkey feet because they were so long and skinny. You're getting so tall, in fact, that you got a women's sized bike for your birthday. I couldn't believe it when they told me what size you needed, but it definitely seems like a perfect fit.


You still love art and crafts. You are always drawing, cutting, taping, and now hot gluing your creations together. I am pretty sure that glue gun has been used more in the past 6 months than it has the entire rest of it's existence in our home (which is several years). You are also teaching your brothers some of your crafty tricks, which is fun to watch. But, you still have an artistic eye that I don't think either of them will ever be able to match. Your watercolors are my favorite. I hope you never stop creating those watercolors for me.



You are still loving music. You are leading the 2nd violin section at school and getting good marks from your teachers. You are still playing piano too, which is a lot of fun to hear. This whole staying at home due to the COVID-19 pandemic has allowed me to hear more of your practicing, which is truly a joy to hear. I love hearing you progress and grow as you learn more and more about music and how to play it expressively.

You are coming into your pre-teen years in 2020, which means taking selfies is almost an expected hobby.  Every time you get a hold of my phone without me knowing, I always find amusing selfies. You are a goofball, and it makes my heart smile to see that side of you come out. There are so many times when I worry you are growing up too fast, so seeing you be just plain silly reassures me that you are still a just a kid. Someday, I'll have these selfies as photographic evidence of your goofiness, and you'll hate me for it. So, I don't complain about it and just let you keep taking selfies.



You are still dancing and it seems as though you have a bit of a dramatic flair, and I have no idea where you got that from ;). You still really seem to be enjoying dance, and it seems like you are really starting to understand the emotive elements of it. You're really learning to tell the story with your movement instead of just doing the movement your teacher's are telling you to do.

You are still a great big sister to your brothers, even though I know you won't admit that you love them. I mean, you pick on them,  you love to sneak around corners and scare them, and you never miss a chance to tease them. But, you are also very kind and generous with them in unexpected ways. Just a couple of weeks ago, you made them an entire Coronavirus scavenger hunt and hid random items throughout the house that they would "need" to stay safe. Today, you helped Fletcher put together a Lego set, and this past week, you and Barrett created an entire "tent city" in our dining room together. That's how I know you love them, even though you don't like to admit it.



You also love your cousins. Macie absolutely adores you and will do anything you ask her to. It is so beautiful to see the way she looks up to you, and the way you step up to the challenge. You are such a wonderful example for her and take such good are of her when you're together. I can't wait to see how Jackson looks up to you as he gets older too. You really are a pretty awesome oldest cousin. I am pretty sure you'll be watching all of your cousins while the parents go to dinner or a movie in just a couple of years.


Another milestone you recently achieved was moving up to a queen sized bed. Mom and dad got a king, so you got our hand me down mattress. Even though it's a hand me down, it looks pretty good in your room. The crazy thing is how much your room now looks like it belongs to a teenager, not my little girl. Heck, I'd love to have a room like this to myself, even now. I was worried that you'd never leave your room now that you have the nice big bed and a cozy reading chair, but I've been pleasantly surprised by how much you still like to be around the rest of us.  And, how you let me hang out in your room and talk with you a couple times a week.


I'd be remiss if I didn't mention that you have picked up on many of your mom and dad's favorite pastimes...Reading, space stuff, board games, Star Wars, Avengers, The Blues, Legos, and your most recent favorite, watching HGTV.  I've also gotten you to watch a couple of movies based on Jane Austen novels with me. I can't wait until you read her books. I hope that is something else we will share together. Oh, and I can't forget to mention how much you love your dogs, especially Tripper. You do a great job of helping take care of them.  You give Stella her medicine every day, take Tripper on walks, and give them lots of snuggles.


I am so proud of the young woman you are becoming, but I love the child that you are. And, I hope you continue to be my little girl forever. You'll always be my baby girl, even when you outgrow me and even when you think I am the dorkiest, most embarrassing mom that ever lived. I hope I never stop embarrassing you with how much I love and adore you. I hope that God blesses every day of your life and that there is never a day where you don't know his love, grace, and peace.